Man Arrested in 'White' Hate Crime

Man Arrested in 'White' Hate Crime



Frank Gibby Vandalizing Portrait at Ceremony
Honoring Betty White

 Spectators could not believe their eyes Thursday evening when belligerent actor, writer and part time TSA agent, Frank Gibby, stormed an awards ceremony honoring veteran actress Betty White. Publically defacing her enlarged photograph with a "villains mustache" and Sean-Connery-like eyebrows, Gibby signed his name and then began caressing his destructive artwork and humming the Golden Girls theme song.  Gibby then attempted to escape the auditorium by elbowing ushers and giving a very believable Betty White impression followed by an energetic sprint through the lobby where Gibby was quickly

Betty White watching as Gibby is being arrested

"clothes-lined" by Barbara Walters, knocking him unconscious until police arrived to take him into custody.

Man Falls to Death in Skydiving Accident After Losing Monkey Twin Brother

Man Falls to Death in Skydiving Accident After Losing Monkey Twin Brother

 

Twin Brothers Cameron and Carmichael Stillson

 30-year-old Cameron Acel Stillson, animal rights activist and twin brother to Carmichael Stillson, a hybrid-human and macaque monkey, plummeted to his death late Wednesday evening after failing to pull the ripcord to his parachute during his weekly skydive. 
Stillson, who according to family and friends, had been suffering from depression during the past month after his twin-brother Carmichael, went missing after a heated argument that took place between him and Stillson.   Stillson later organized a search party and spent fruitless man hours in search of his lost pet brother.



Cameron Stillson and Monkey Search Party

 After receiving hundreds of false leads and dozens of prank phone calls from people pretending to be his hybrid brother, Stillson soon gave up hope and later called off the search for his vanished primate sibling.    



Stillson confused and spiraling out of control




Stillson, who has faked injuries after every single one of his 127 skydive jumps, arrived Wednesday evening eager and ready to make his first solo-jump.  "He kept complaining of stomach pains from a bag of bad monkey seed he had just eaten,"stated Will Shrout, Stillson's skydiving instructor. After the failed skydive Stillson was met by paramedics who found Stillson  alive and clutching a photograph of his monkey-brother with the words "FIND HIM" written in red crayon.  After several hours of appearing to be dead, Stillson awoke and returned home, alluding police and medical examiner questioning.  Stillson was later arrested for faking his death and stated, "I just wanted to find my brother". Stillson is currently being held without bail in the Weber County Jail.

Biden's Binge Begins: V.P. Joe Biden wins national pancake eating contest!

Biden's Binge Begins

Vice President Joe Biden amazes spectators and other competitors as he devours an impressive 38 pancakes, winning this year’s pancake charity drive to fight anorexia. 

Vice President Biden accidentally accepted the invitation back in January during a press conference when he jokingly stated, "You cannot go to a 7-11 or a Dunkin' Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent.... I'm not joking." Biden was then asked if he would accept an invitation to enter a celebrity pancake eating contest charity event to help fight anorexia, to which he responded in a mocking Indian accent, “indeed my skinny friend, I shall help you and your people.”  In an effort to uphold flawed campaign promises, Biden arrived hungry and ready to conquer the mighty pancake mountain.

Still going strong at pancake #30

"This may bring my presidency down, but I will not yield on this,” Biden stated after being asked if he was there to win the challenge. 

Biden was faced with a group of angry protestors who initially claimed that Biden was only there eat free pancakes. Expected to make a generous donation to The Anti-Anorexia Foundation (AAF) as part of the invitation, Biden angered participants and viewer when he handed over a slim $2.75.  Protests of disgust continued as Biden slapped his stomach, smiled and stated, “I’m just glad I could make a difference.”

Biden now holds the AAF Pancake World Record, shattering Calista Flockhart’s previous record of 29.

Biden Posing for picture by placing pancake on his head

Disneyland Burns Down: Mickey Missing, Presumed Dead!



Cinderella's Castle After Disneyland Fire


Patrons, Disney characters and employees
watched in terror early Thursday afternoon as
Disneyland caught fire, permanantly damaging
and torching 85 percent of the park.  The fire broke out and spread quickly when the mechanical animatronic version of Johnny Depp, from the Pirates of the Carribean ride, started smoking and immediately caught fire.The flames spread to surrounding attractions as the park was successfully evacuated with only a few missing Disney charcters, including Rodger Rabbit and Mickey Mouse. "It was like watching Fantasia while being sober, confusing and unenjoyable," claimed a charred Pinnochio as he limped from the park obviously injured. 



Front Gates of Disneyland as Fire Fights the Disney Frontier

 Some Disneyland guests continued to fight their way inside the park gates in attempts to get a closer look as the firey flames continued to destroy ride by ride.   Once the fire had reached the firework storage bay, the sky was filled with fireworks and smoke.  Guests became encased with amusement as they stopped to watch the fireworks as angry firefighters fought to evacuate the chaotic chasm of melting magic.

Haunted Mansion Engulfed in Flames

Disney officials say it is quite likely the park will not rebuild and will close it's gates indefinately due to the diminishing interest in park attendance that has been seen in recent years.  "I'm flabbergasted, simply flabberghasted that this would happen.  They are all amatuers if you ask me. If you want a safe and fire free park, then you've got to pay the price to protect the people!" exclaimed a very angry Captain Hook.
Disneyland has seen its share of disaster in the past, but nothing as devastating as this traumatic blow to the No. 1 loved theme park since 1955.
America and the world will miss you Disneyland. Rest in Peace Mickey!

Mickey Mouse Grave

Pope Benedict Married! Catholics Outraged!

Pope Benedict XVI & Bride Alisha Richards Benedict

Pope Benedict XVI shocked the entire catholic world Friday morning when he hastily married 23 year old actress and part-time waitress, Alisha Richards during a small outdoor ceremony behind the Vatican.  Pope Benedict, who was scheduled for his annual colonoscopy, surprised archbishops, cardinals and patriarchs during the weekly Catholic-Priest Picnic when he skipped his medical screening and introduced his then fiancé to the large group of confused clergymen.  Cardinal Lubomyr Husar, who is the current Major Archbishop for the Catholic Church, was invited by the Pope to conduct marriage ceremony. "I was literally too embarassed to say no.  How could I say 'no' to the Pope, when I secretly have several wives myself" Husar unintentionally admitted.  Following the ceremony, Pope Benedict stated, "Our modern world calls for modern relationships.  I have spent several minutes contemplating this marriage, it's the best thing for me and for the Catholic Church."  Loud emotions of praise and criticism poured into the Vatican early this morning as news spread worldwide of the Pope's school boy misconduct.           (CONTINUE BELOW)

Man Accuses Bigfoot of Sexual Assault

Glen Morril (Victim)

Bigfoot  (Alleged Attacker)

-57 year old Gene Morrill, from Casper, Wyoming appeared before police, investigators and news media today where he claimed to have been sexually assaulted several times by the legendary Bigfoot.  Morrill stated that over the past 18 months, he had gone camping multiple times where he was confronted by the lewd menace and forced into questionable situations.  At first, Morrill ignored many of his advances, slapping the creature's hands and hitting him with marshmallows and then fleeing to other campsites.  "Once he had my scent, I knew I was an easy target," Morrill explained, "and I have a very distinctive smell, especially when I'm camping" chuckled Morrill.  County Prosecutor Fletcher Paskins stated, "We take issues such as these very seriously.  We will not rest until justice is served and this purported perp is properly prosecuted."  Police have had several leads so far, including some false alarms turning out to be merely Justin Bieber hair sightings. Morrill is in stable condition and will remain under the razor of police protection.

                                             Police-Released Sketch of Alleged Attacker

Brutal Beecher/Bogus Baby Bouncer Busted!

Beecher Taunting Crowd with Infant

Ogden, Utah-28 year old Justin Spot Beecher was arrested Thursday in connection with a slew of fake baby droppings. Police watched in absolute horror as Beecher taunted the crowd, making mockingly crude "splat" sounds. Beecher regularly holds actual infants over the balcony until large crowds and police gather to watch, then secretly exchanges the infant with a life size doll and appears to accidentally drop them. In his abhorrent routine, he then leans on the balcony and hysterically weeps until the crowd realizes they've been fooled.  Beecher then jumps to his feet and mocks the crowd with his cruel laughter and false tears of mimicry.
Beecher, who is a huge fan of Michael Jackson, began to hold random babies over the edge of hotel balconies in honor of the late pop star. This is Beecher's seventh related offense and local police aren't happy because he fools them every time and have given him the nickname Brutal Beecher Baby Bouncer; "try saying that 10 times fast", stated Lieutenant Crosby.

  

Couple Exchanges Rings for Fingers in Surprising Surgical Ceremony

A newly married couple in Pasadena, California tied the knot this weekend when they exchanged fingers instead of rings in this unique wedding/surgical ceremony. Beecher Riley and his wife Harriet O'Gillium Riley stated they didn't want the traditional mamby pamby ring exchange ceremony, "I decided we would exchange ring fingers instead of rings" Beecher stated. "This way, I will always have part of her with me but mostly because rings are childish and ugly."
Despite advice and requests from multiple doctors to not exchange fingers, the couple insisted on going through with the surgical ceremony. Dr. Lloyd Trevors, from the Fresno Finger Institute stated, "This really hasn't been done before.  Both couples are quite likely to experience a severe decrease in motor functions for their fingers,hand and arm, some heavy infection and may even experience large amounts of severe mental stress due to the phalangeal exchange, it was a very poor choice."
The surgical-wedding ceremony lasted nearly 3 hours as guests were fed finger decorated wedding cake.

Finger Decorated Wedding Cake

Three-Month Pregnancy Now Available Thanks to Amazing New Pill

Obstetricians and Pharmacologists from the University of Southern Delaware have united to create a new pill (NacerMorph) that will speed up the pregnancy process to an astounding three months.  Developers of the new drug say that pregnant women who first become pregnant and take the exiting new tablets will deliver extremely healthy newborns at full term in only 12 weeks with absolutely no side effects whatsoever.  This practical new discovery came about when (OBGYN) Dr. Peter Venkman and Pharmacologist, Bob Wiley were attempting to develop healthy sedatives for troubled infants with insomnia. 
Upcoming mothers, (such as Glee actress Dianna Agron) can now have up to 4 babies per year, though doctors reccommend at least a one-month recovery period for each pregnancy.  The new drug will be available July 1, 2011 to women only.

Doctors Cut Umbilical Cords to Prevent Chubby Newborns

An incredible breakthrough has recently come about in the modern world of medicine as doctors of New Sea haven University release research proving that cutting the umbilical cord one week prior to the baby's delivery, can actually speed up the birthing process and create skinnier and more attractive babies.Marcy McDonald of San Diego stated, "I'm relieved to have this done early. I'm tired of seeing chubby babies and this will give them a head start to defeat the uprising child obesity epidemic." Doctors say that the only real side effect that may occur is "extreme adorableness".Dr. W. Mathau stated, "I've been delivering babies now for 47 years and this is the greatest discovery I've seen in the field." He also stated that babies will be able to learn to read at a faster pace and possibly even be able to breath under water for up to several hours at a time; thus ending the term, "baby being thrown out with the bath water."

Hilary Clinton Delivers Disaster on American Idol

Secretary of State, Hilary Clinton made a surprise guest appearance on American Idol last week, shocking audience members across the country and horrifying judges with her very disturbing rendition of Aerosmith's Dream On. Clinton, who has literally no singing experience whatsoever, intrigued Fox producers when she requested to be the final performer of the season. Producers were reluctant to agree with the request at first but later quickly welcomed Clinton after receiving several requests to perform by Marie Osmond. "Clinton sang the first part of the song rather nicely," said Randy Jackson, "but when she started to imitate Steve Tyler and scream into the microphone, that's when I knew this was going to be a disaster". At the end of her performance, Clinton was booed by audience members off the stage as an embarrassed Ryan Seacrest attempted to pull the whole thing off as a practical joke. As Clinton pranced off the stage, the judges sat in disgust; Randy Jackson sat angrily as Steven Tyler sat covering his face while a rather confused looking Jennifer Lopez asked, "What was that, some sick joke?" Fox producers declined an interview but when asked about Clinton's performance, stated, "She will not be invited back." When asked if he thinks Hilary has any type of talent or future with a music career, Steven Tyler simply shrugged his shoulders and said, "Dream On". Clinton has plans to appear America's Got Talent and Dancing with the Stars next season.